Sense Writing
Madelyn Kent, a former writing and theater educator at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts, developed a somatic approach to the craft and teaching of writing, Sense Writing. Kent works with an adaptation of the Feldenkrais method, an approach to somatic education that works through "connections among movement, thought, and imagination to learn and find the [creative] flow." Moshe Feldenkrais was a physicist and pioneer in neuroplasticity (and a Holocaust survivor) who developed an approach to somatic education that involves learning how to work with the nervous system through movement in order to optimize one's own intrinsic capabilities. This was a perfect accompaniment to my research and the nature of my inquiry into trauma and storytelling. Below is the writing that I generated at a later stage of our one-to-one, online work in poetic ethnography--three poems--followed by an exchange between Kent and I as to my creative writing process.
What Happened
by Carol McGorry
Claudine sat in one of the couches across from the prisoner in the bright,
sun-lit director’s room in Butare Prison.
Do you remember me, she asked Ntirenganya.
Ntirenganya, barefoot in orange scrubs, said back:
I confessed during the Gacaca Courts. Now do you want to push me to repeat it?
I know you confessed. That’s why I’m here.
I need different testimonies to write my book.
You can’t write a book based on one story.
I don’t think you can deny your attempt to shoot me, Ntirenganya.
If it weren’t for Mariya who was hiding me,
who told you not to kill me because I was the only person left in my entire family, who reminded you of the meaning of your name, God is Fair,
would you have finally said I won’t kill you.
I recall everything, Ntirenganya said.
I had to fight men because a man cannot let you go.
But, well, in my nature, I didn’t imagine killing a woman or kids.
A woman can’t even catch you once you run.
I really can’t explain why I did it or why people did it.
So who knows the number of killed Tutsi, God or people? Claudine asked.
God, Ntirenganya answered.
___________________________________________________
I Have Emotions
by Carol McGorry
I have emotions. I can’t compare them to those I wronged. I feel pity for them.
Mine is not sorrow. It’s rather a guilty conscience.
If I was sure that everyone forgave me, I would be fine.
Most of the time, I hope to be released. But here, we seem to be hidden.
Our families don’t like us. They think we are killers.
And people whose relatives were killed might want revenge.
Maybe they will kill me during the night.
We won’t be able to forget this. We have no chances to live freely—maybe our children’s children
I am a daughter to Munyan dagizi Vincent. Do you remember me? Claudine asked.
Twagira, in his orange prison scrubs, sat on a couch across from Claudine.
He folded and
unfolded, his hands as he spoke,
wiping his eyes, glossy from irritation.
I can’t vividly remember you because you were young, Twagira said.
Did your brothers survive, Twagira asked.
No, Claudine said, they were the first to be killed.
I had dreams, after high school, Twagira started.
I was inspired and motivated to be a great person, a rich person, but I was disappointed.
My dreams were shut down, and later I started doing part-time casual work.
When the genocide began, I was constructing a fence at your home.
We didn’t expect to have ethnic problems.
When I am released, if still considered a killer, I will try to hide myself from others.
There’s nowhere to go.
I will flee the country or live abroad.
There are fellow perpetrators who fled to neighboring countries without being punished, Claudine said. So when you get out of these walls, will you be tempted to side with them, reorganize and attack the country again on grounds that you’re actually living a bad life that’s nearer to death?
I will tell you the truth, Twagira said. When I get a chance to flee, of course, I will plan to join my fellows there and be part of the plan to forcefully return to the country.
I can’t be free when I am released.
We won’t be able to forget this. We have no chances to live freely—maybe our children’s children.
________________________________________________
Redacted Poem--
Remains
by Carol McGorry
He’s living with his sister Chantal.
Explained he didn’t see anyone else;
he doesn’t know where they were buried just like my brothers
You can dig and remove the remains,
Then bring them here to re-bury them in respect
Masengo helps other people; I am the representative of Ibuka.
I help people to bury when they get the remains of their relatives.
I help people to bury when they get the remains of their relatives.
I help people to bury when they get the remains of their relatives.
Commentary and response to the above writing:
Madelyn Kent:
These are really taking shape.
First I'm glad you just went for it and didn't worry about them making "sense."
There's a couple of notes that I have that we'll go over together because they're not set in stone notes, but just tweaks to now clarify or push some stylistic things that are emerging organically from each poem.
I really like how the redacted one came out!
Carol:
I wrote in two spaces--in a dentist office and at home. At home, I felt the orienting sequence helped to move to the computer and chair with ease and sort of primed, ready to explore and create without a sense of duty. The dentist office, oddly, served the same purpose in a slightly different way. I was there for two hours while my daughter had dental surgery--so the constraints of the time and space and bringing along only my laptop, notebook, and transcripts helped to narrow the focus and I was surprised at how much I could do under those constraints. Both of these experiences are different (better, more easeful and generative) than getting in the chair and thinking, okay: go!
Madelyn Kent:
That's so great. And you can do this anywhere. We're so used to this idea of "tackling" our work. I sometimes think of Oscar Wilde lounging. Though I'm sure he sat down at times with effort, he also has this sense of ease in his photos (though it could have been the opium).
Corporeal Writing
The workshops at Corporeal Writing also approach writing and creativity as a life practice and less as a literacy problem. "Your body is an experience collector," acclaimed writer Lidia Yuknavitch says in her video series, www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9pUjixyWI4. "Your life is a zeitgeist--a different way of seeing and being in the world than ever before." This approach, in the three-part, online writing series that I enrolled in during 2017, helped to move me from the absolute details of the transcriptions I received over the winter months of 2016, to a distilled and creative expression. The column on the left, is an excerpt of a exchange between Masengo Rutayvisve and Claudine Uwamahoro and, the column of the right, is a creative non-fiction poem written and revised from the exchange.
Transcript: Conversation in the Kigali Genocide Memorial Garden with volunteer, Masengo Rutayisive with Claudine Uwamahoro as translated and annotated by Felix Manzi.
00-01min: “they are those who are in the middle like a tongue[F1] , those people really suffered, first of all, I feel sorry for those Tutsi who were raped by Interahamwe and gave birth to children who have no idea who their fathers are. In fact, I know a child who is aged 20 years or above, who completely became dumb at the age of 16 after realizing that his father was Interahamwe. Her mother was raped during genocide and when the child learned about this, she decided not to speak again, on grounds that she felt guilty of being born in unplanned and unwilling way. I feel so pity for such kids and women. 01-02min: “Now, what do you think of children who were born in such circumstances (born out of rape) but their mothers decided never tell them the truth, and they grow up with a confusion because they can’t trace their roots, and because human beings are created with a sense of truth, when they don’t get the truth, it turns out to be a psychological wound which may even cause body (outer) diseases such as scabies etc” The interviewer said. 02-03min: “…in fact this can result into misbehaviors such as prostitution, drug abuse, alcoholism, robbery because of losing self-esteem and hope resulting from feeling less valued. Such a child is called ‘child of interahamwe’ by their mother’s side, and he/she played no role in being born to such parents. In fact, research has proved that such children can’t even succeed academically.” Masengo said. “….yes, we leave in the same consquences especially in the aftermath of a conflict, but we manage the effects in a different way and not all people will speak out and share their stories in order to be healed…” the interviewer added. “Another issue that came up in the government, parents with children born out of rape in the genocide brought them to FARG[F2] to get the support to go to schools, and you know they’re rigid Tutsis in the top positions who didn’t like the idea….” Masengo said. 03-04min: “ So these children born to Tutsi women and Interahamwe as a result of rape during the genocide, couldn’t benefit from FARG and the Ministry of Local Government decided to pay for them ( 1,000 students), but this again psychologically hurts them because they feel, they are not Tutsis or survivors, and being supported by FARG at least makes you feel you’re innocent person, but getting the support from the Ministry of Local Government, feels like you’re just vulnerable person- it’s like you’re being treated like a street kid. However, we felt so proud to be supported by FARG, we felt innocent, we felt loved, and special in some way” Masengo added. “You’re right, being called a survivor/ innocent is different from being called an offspring of the killer, and it actually has different psychological consequences” the interviewer supplemented. 04-05min: “I think you did a great but hard job” Masengo said. “Yes, we did a hard job and I think the journey continues, I think since 2013, Carol and I, have not stopped until today, and then Welisa lives with those children- Imagine like those children!” The interviewer said. “Yes, it’s terrible, they getting unwanted pregnancies!” Masengo said. “Exactly, that’s what I have been saying- psychological consequences, others have turned out to hate people, just want to be alone, they don’t want to go to school, so where will they get information from- from their mothers or fathers, uncles, our aunts. They don’t know any of them, and even if they knew them, they couldn’t tell them the truth, so that’s why they continue to live in a lonely situation” the interviewer said. 05-06min: “….but at least, those who got a chance to develop like you it reduces psychological effects, I call it opportunity.” The interviewer said. “ Oh yeah, the only chance I had was to have a mindset of helping others and not being helped, and this first of all means, I am not needy because I can help the needy ones. And this mindset is really important psychologically, and actually I feel so bad whenever someone tells me their problems when I can’t help. For example, there’s a hutu woman in Kinyinya[F3] whose husband was killed during the genocide and buried in front of his house..” 06-07min: “…but this man who was killed had another wife who was also a Tutsi (he was polygamous), so the Tutsi woman wants to take full control when it comes to remembering and honoring the memory of their husband, for example yesterday, when they came to lay flowers on his grave, they (Tutsi wife and her family) chased away that Hutu woman, intimidating her that they would cut off her nose, moreover infront of her (hutu woman) own house. Can you imagine! So the children from that Tutsi wife, are rich, they came with vehicles to lay flowers. So I am going to help this hutu woman to get her rights to lay flowers on her husband’s grave, I will talk to the IBUKA representative in her cell to make this happen, because regardless of who she’s as per history, she has a right to remember and honor the memory of her husband, even if she had killed, because even few Tutsis killed, so this should not be an excuse as long as she’s free now…” Masengo said. 07-08min: “…she was also hurt, so why do people who married Zaire women[F4] , when they die, their husbands gets hurt, so being a hutu woman doesn’t mean that she wasn’t sad because her Tutsi husband died, she was hurt, she has a big psychological wound” Masengo added. “Yes, that’s true” the interviewer said in lower volume. She then said to Masengo “ Do you know the history of Kagoboka, I face a real exam, because children always ask me about that, and their mother can’t tell them, it’s a heavy burden for her to extent that she fled out of Rwanda.”. “ I think she should tell them to get this burden released” Masengo said. 08-09min: “ Not telling them will make the problem even worse, because it will reach a point where it can be managed anymore, Even Meddy learned about this was really hurt and very said, I had to take him to Butare and shown him where we used to stay, told him we were twelve (12) before, I shown him the grave yard( where we buried them), and he was really moved, but because I know that in counseling and healing when you dodge the truth, it’s like committing suicide, it’s the worst way of dying gradually” the Interviewer said. “ You’re right, because when you’re told the truth, you’re hurt immediately, later you accept it and learn how to live with the missing part. There’s nothing more hurtful than killing your family and relatives, actually they are so many women who were raped and acquired HIV/AIDS because of that brutal and shameful act….” 09-10min: 10sec “…they first felt so sad, so alone, and later accepted it, they can now speak about which is contrary to before, you know they couldn’t speak about, but now, they can freely speak about their story of rape, they can tell you for example ‘I was raped by seven brutal men, I died and resurrected and maybe by chance I was able to give birth again” Masengo said. “It’s true, even when she gets a chance to give birth again, she can give her children the best inheritance, yes, it’s true, testimonies builds up people’s lives again” the interviewer said. “yes, indeed, I used to think saying my testimony to people was bad and it could hurt me more, but later I realized, if I tell you my story, like you, Ms. Claudine, I don’t care if you’re hurt, but at least I have someone to tell my story, and I am released. When you keep the story inside your heart, it may explode and you run mad.” Masengo said. 10:10sec- 11min: “Actually, there is what we call secrets, but which in reality are not helpful to lives but rather to destroy our lives. So, someone wants to know something from you, but you can’t tell them, and they will imagine your story and judge you wrong, and yet telling them your story would prevent that and also make you feel released psychologically, so keeping a sad story as a secret is not only killing oneself, but also the society and working environment. Like yesterday, when we were at the library, Eddy[F5] told us that…” 11-12min: “…these guys, we work together we had studied together at Groupe St’ Andrew school. They are only friends to me, so if such a commitment is in a negative sense, it’s such a bad thing, and he also told us, that he had refused to join AERG [F6] because he thought it was a political organization, but later he realized he had no information and he also had shared nothing with anyone, and you can imagine how it feels to be in AERG when none knows about your information…” the interviewer said. 12-13min: “…but he continued to tell us his story (Eddy), that he later searched on Google information about AERG and his fellow students has researched on genocide and he felt so sad and shameful and he could ask no one back in the United States of America where he studied from, he had to ask mama Diane [F7] and Ms. Celine and Ms. Melisa, and all these people knew less about the history of Rwanda….” 13-14min: “…so he decided to come to Rwanda to find out more information about the history of the genocide, because as an adolescent he’s very curious to understand everything, so he blamed me that ‘mom, why didn’t you tell me?’ , but I told him , it was him to first bring the issue to me in order for me to tell him more” the interviewer said. END [F1]This is a Kinyarwanda idiom, which means that someone has no stand. (being impartial , but in this context, Masengo was trying to mean that those people were rejected by both hutu and tutsi…they belong in none of these groups. [F2]This is A FUND FOR SUPPORT OF NEEDIEST GENOCIDE SURVIVORS . This fund pays school fees , health insurance, sometimes provides shelter to Tutsis who were in Rwanda during the genocide and survived it. Strictly Tutis who were born to parents who were all Tutsis. [F3]A place in Kigali [F4]Congolese women( Democratic Republic of Congo was once called Zaire) [F5]This is the son to the interviewer , Ms. Claudine. [F6]This is a Genocide Survivors Students’ Association. They consider this association as their family. [F7]In Rwanda just like in other countries of East Africa, women with children are named after their first born child. So mama Diane, literally means “mother-Diane”. |
Creative Writing from Transcript:
Guilty of Being Born by Carol McGorry I am in the middle, like a tongue A child of the Interahahmwe on my mother's side. I do not speak. I do not speak. I do not speak. I am guilty of being born, in an unplanned and unwilling way. I belong to none, to no one. The Ministry of Local Government supported by FARG, Fund for Neediest Survivors of Genocide in Rwanda, does not acknowledge us- I am not Tutsi or survivor. At least FARG makes you feel you're innocent. Being called a survivor/innocent is different from being called an offspring of a killer. No, not for you, they say. Although, I am a lucky one; I know my story. For some, their mothers decide to never tell them the truth. They grow up with confusion; they can’t trace their roots. Where will they get information from? Their mother? Their Father? Uncle? Aunt? They continue to live in a lonely situation. |